Moving forward? Or standing still and waiting?

So, after working a very good lunch (waitress!), I came home to a text message from Boyfriend that said "What's Up?" He's got to be kidding. So I called him. After the 5th call, he actually answered and pretty much had nothing to say for himself. Then when I told him that I can't do this anymore, he pulled his classic, "I just don't know what I want anymore." He always does this. I wonder if it is just an attempt to protect himself from feeling dumped or replaceable. Not really sure. Hmmm...


So he just kept saying "I don't know" to everything I asked, which I thought was completely disrespectful and showed a lack of balls, but I took some deep breaths. Finally I told him that perhaps he should take some time to figure out what he wants, but not to call me until he does have it figured out. I'm not gonna play house with someone who is deciding whether or not he even wants me in his life. I told him that he should think hard about what he wants, but until he makes that decision, I just can't be with him right now.


Honestly, I think a lot of this has to do with moving. I think he's scared shitless at the idea of having to leave the Cape. I think parts of him knows that it's the best thing he could do, but he has absolutely no confidence in himself and he does realize his own potential. The sad part is that I do see the potential in him.


Anyway, I guess I'm single at the moment, although not sure yet if it's a permanent or temporary situation. We shall see.


Taking a break from it all tomorrow and making a much needed visit to K-Nolan's house :)

Really Bad Day

So Boyfriend and I are pretty much officially over. I told him last time he decided to ignore me that if he ever blocked me out for days again, I would take it as him dumping me. Well, he's done it again and I'm definitely not taking it another time. Game over. He can go fuck himself. I feel like such a fool for loving him, being there for him, dreaming up a life with him...


Also, I found out today that for the last month my mother has been waiting to her from her doctor if the lump on her breast was cancer. Thankfully, it's not. I just can't wrap my mind around this situation. She didn't tell me a thing, and then she just sprung it on me in the kitchen this afternoon while I was getting ready for work.


Really bad day. Really really bad day.

Parenting: Yay or Yuck?

Since middle school, I carried out the feminist attitude towards raising a family: get the career first, then the husband, then the kids. I've insisted to all those who would listen that getting married before the age of 28 is stupid and having kids before 30 is just plain insane.Now that I'm 23, however, my thoughts on this manner seem to be shifting.

Having found Boyfriend, marriage, although definitely not in the immediate future, doesn't seem like an eternity away anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of idiot to run down the aisle after only knowing the guy for a few months, nor would I ever marry someone without having lived with him first. But waiting 5 years does seem kinda long. I dunno, maybe it won't seem that long at all.

More importantly, my ideas of having kids have definitely changed. I'm going to law school, which will be very time consuming. I assume that the years after law school will involve long workdays. Somehow I can't help but feel that having kids before I turn 30 will still be manageable. I guess I just don't want to spend all of my 50s with kids still living in my house. I might want to try to have kids while I'm still young enough to have the energy to deal with them.

I suppose a huge reason why my attitude has changed is because of Mandy. She had Brianna in October when she was 22. Granted, Mandy was the hardest working person in the entire world and could juggle more balls than anyone ever, but at least she was young enough to manage it all. Losing her at the age of 23 makes me realize how short life can really be. Am I willing to wait at least 7 more years before I get to have my turn?

I guess this is all kind of silly. I mean, I'm not married. I'm not even engaged. I'm not even close to being engaged. I'm not the type of girl to baby-trap a guy, so I suppose I'll have to wait, regardless of how much planning and calculating I try to do.

Television is Crap for Today's Kids

When I think back on my youth, I have warm memories of TGIF and Disney Afternoon. When my sisters and I woke up in the morning, we dressed quickly so that we could make it downstairs in time to watch Small Wonder and Adventures in Wonderland. After school when all of our homework was done and we had exhausted ourselves playing in the backyard, we relaxed with some Fruit-by-the-Foot to watch Tale Spin, Gummy Bears, Darkwin Duck, Ducktales, and Punky Brewster. On Friday nights, my dad would take us down the street to Tedeschis to pick one special candy bar each that we could eat during TGIF when we lost ourselves in awesome shows like Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, Sister Sister, Hanging with Mr. Cooper, and Boy Meets World.


I'm currently babysitting my little cousins and I'm finding myself feeling bad for them because they have none of the awesome shows that we have. They either have some creepy shows on Nick, like Blues Clues, or they watch the heinous creations that Disney has come up with over the last few years, like Hannah Montana and That's So Raven. ICK!!! They barely even ever watched Sesame Street, to which I attribute much of my academic and social successes, favoring instead the mentally challenged Teletubbies.


No wonder they are all ADD-infested, anti-social, spoiled rodents.


With the exception of my cousins, but their sanity can be attributed to their bloodline.

Do simple relationships exist?

Lately, I've found myself pondering this question and I can't seem to find a single example of a "simple" relationship in my own life at all. Sure, I have several what I would call "low maintenance" relationships, but no simple relationships. For example, my friend Kate and I have a very low maintenance relationship. We don't have to call each other everyday, nor do we feel like we have to check in all the time to make sure that we are "all good"; rather, we just pick up the phone to talk when we feel the need, which tends to be several times per week. However, especially given the recent loss of a mutually very close and important friend, I have come to realize that my relationship with Kate is by no means simple. There are many complexities and quirks to our friendship that I can't always seem to put words to.


I guess my main reason for posing this question is out of frustration with my current, and hopefully last, boyfriend. Now, for some reason he seems to think that he's Justin Timberlake or something and is adament about not having me publish his name on the internet. Thus, the artist formerly knows as &^%%* will now be known solely as Boyfriend. Anyway, Boyfriend seems to have a complete inability for making my life easy or simple. Yes, he makes me happy, but not on purpose. His constant state of tunnel vision is making me completely crazy. Here I am, after years of being single, finally feeling like I have control over my issues with men, and then the universe hands me this guy.


I suppose I'm making him out to seem like God's curse upon the single girl, so I should probably clarify a few things. Boyfriend is probably one of the most honest, good-natured person I know. He says exactly what's on his mind, so there's no confusion about what he's thinking at a given time (although some things he should learn to keep to himself. I don't need to know about his gas problems.) However, I feel like there's an endless amount of noise and confusion in our relationship, which is totally his fault. I feel like he makes me be mad at him. And it's sooooo hard to be mad at him most of the time because he just seems so relationship retarded that you can't help but feel sorry for the kid. Which is even more infuriating.Tonight he really seemed to understand his crappyness a bit more than ever. But still, I feel like I may puke and die if he does not get his shit together.