I'm just too far from where you are...

I miss Mandy. I'm having such a hard time in this moment. It will pass in a few minutes, as it always does, but right now the pain in my chest is intense and the tears won't stop coming. Just reading her name on the screen is painful. I miss her. I hate this.

I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

Past Boyfriends

Over the last five years I've dated several young men, all falling within the category of "fixer-upper".

Over time, I've been able to look over these relationships and pulled out whatever lessons I could possible learn from them. Most have yielded the same lesson:

STOP DATING FIXER-UPPER TOWNIES AND FIND A MAN WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE WHO HAS SOME AMBITION!!!!

I've berated myself for my poor decision making, but I've just discovered the loop-hole in dating my type:

You won't feel bad about dating a loser if he was REALLY REALLY HOTT!!

Just saw a pic online of a former ex (circa 2003) and I by no means felt bad for having dated his undereducated immature ass because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of "YAR YOU DID!!!"

So ladies, if you are going to date my kind of man, make sure he's fucking hott.

Pardon my lack of literary direction

Not quite sure what I even want to write about at the moment. I don't quite have anxiety right now, I'm not depressed. I'm just kinda ehhh...

How crazy has the last 5 years of my life been? I mean, five years ago I just decided in one instant to change everything. I can remember that moment very clearly. I was laying on my couch, it was a Saturday afternoon. I was laying around thinking about how I wasn't enjoying my life anymore. I knew that all it was going to take was a phone call. And then with that, I picked up the damn phone and ended it. And then everything changed...

I got out of a bad relationship, I stopped caring so much about what other people thought, and I decided that I was going to have as much fun as possible. And man have I had fun. I don't think anyone could have had as much of a thrill as I have over the last few years since high school.

There have been a lot of bumps along the way, but with the support and love of old and new fabulous friends and through my own sense of self and determination to be happy I made it.

Why am I going over the last few years right now? Because I'm finding myself sitting on that same couch, thinking about the same things... I'm about to leave the Cape again for a new life for the second time. I'm taking off for another life-changing adventure. I can't wait.

This time I have a very special guardian angel sitting on my shoulder...

I love you.

Lonely

My problem is becoming more and more evident with each passing day... I'm lonely here. I am completely separated from all of my very close friends (except for one, but she tends to be busy with boys), without the chance of a close connection with anyone. I feel like right now I really just need someone to take me in their arms and hold me. I don't need kissing, I don't need words. I just need to stand still and be held.

I can pretend that I want to be back with this one or in bed with that one, but in reality I just need to get over the bridge and on with my life.

BAD

Working on trying to feel a bit better.

Trying very hard.

I resent you for making things so much harder.

BAD BAD WEEK

Really struggling this week. It seems that no matter what, someone tries to kick me when I'm already down.

Can't wait for Florida :)

Kick me while I'm down

Feeling pretty betrayed and hurt.

A - Z

A - Available: Yes
A - Age: 23
A - Annoyance: bad tippers
B - Best Friend: Mandy, Kate, Lysa, Tess, Misty, Kim, Sara, etc.
B - Beer: Bud Light
B - Birthday: November 11
C - Crush: I got nothing
C - Candy: Peanut M&Ms
D - Day or Night: Night
D - Dream Car: Honda Civic, and I have it already!
D - Dog or Cat: dog
E - Easiest person to talk to: Kate
E - Eggs: scrambled
E - Email: Not as cool as Myspace
F - Favorite Month: July maybe, but August is looking pretty good this year
F - Favorite Color: maybe purple
F - Favorite Memory: Dirty day with the condom and wine bottle with Kate, Mandy, and Jill
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Worms
G - Giver or Taker: I give more, but I need to learn that it's ok to take
G - Gum: Orbit
H - Hair Color: Brown
H - Height: 5'3"
H - Happy: Overall
I - Ice Cream: Vanilla
I - Instrument: Remote Control
I - Idol: my mother
J - Jewelry: Random
J - Job: Perpetual Student
J - Jail: nope
K - Kids: definitely want them soon-ish
K - Kick boxing or Karate: kick boxing
K - Kindergarten: Milton... twice
L - Longest Relationship: 3.4 years
L - Last French Kiss: Sunday morning
M - Milk Flavor: skim only
M - Most Missed Person(s): Mandy
M - Movie Last Watched: Parts of a Harry Potter
N - Number of Siblings: three sisters
N - Number of Tattoos: 1
N - Name: Caitlin Elizabeth Grace Rogers
O - One Wish: to always remember how lucky I am
O - One Phobia: being sterile
O - One Regret: don't really have any
P - Pet Peeves: bad tippers
P - Part of your appearance you like best: Smile
P - Part of your personality you like best: Able to make people laugh
Q - Quick or Slow: quick
R - Reason to Smile: Good memories, good times to come
R - Reality TV Show: Celebrity Fit Club
R - Reasons to Cry: losing and missing Mandy
S - Song Last Heard: Harry Potter Theme
S - Shoes: sneaks and flops
T - Time You Woke up: 9 AM
T - Time Now: 11:17 PM
T - Time for Bed: during the week whenever
U - U Love Someone: lots of people
U - Unpredictable: the future
V - Vegetable You Hate: waxed beans
V - Vegetable You Love: spinach
V - Vacation Spot: Europe
W- Worst Habits?: eating junk food
W- Where are you going to travel next?: moving to Florida
W- Weather right now: chilly
X - X-Rays: ankle
Y - Year you were born: 1983
Y - Year it is now: 2007
Y - Yellow: Hopefully not my teeth
Z - Zoo Animal: tigger
Z - Zodiac: Scorpio

Intellectual Writer's Block

I don't think I've written anything of intelligence in this blog since I started it. I mean, I've released some emotional rants. I've discussed my television obsession. But I haven't written anything regarding intellectually stimulating things, such as politics, world events, religion, blah blah blah

Bet that's what you are thinking, right?

Well, I have a masters degree in marketing analytics. You can by no means be a good marketer without keeping up with the sociological changes in your given market, which includes and is reflected by what is on television, newspapers, radio, magazines, blogs, and various other forms of communication. Without this knowledge, it in impossible to develop an Integrated Marketing Communications program, which any modern company needs in order to compete in today's global and technologically driven marketplace.

So stick that in your undergraduate-degree-only judgmental pipe and smoke it.

Mandy

So let them talk about us
Let them call us funny things
People sometimes do
I dont care as long
As you know I love you
Oh, and you know I do

I'll be there, but you might not see me
It's never easy to get through
But when the laughter dies away
I'll take care of you

Bitch Salad Girl

Ewww that girl in the Kraft salad dressing commercial just got a HUGE diamond engagement ring from her bf over an asian chicken salad. WTF!!!

And I'm still single. grrrr

FAT

Dude, has anyone seen that show on TLC about the fat people's hospital in NYC??? I LOVE IT!!!

Also, just watched "Army Wives". Soooo good. Man oh man, I love tv.

"You turned crazy"

Huh. Interesting text message from the ex. In grown-up-people world we call this "blame-shifting".

I could get angry. I could get outraged. I could get hurt. Instead, I feel as though this has been a great occurence because it has opened my eyes just a little bit more to the blessing that was getting rid of him.

I can't hate him. I pity him too much to have any room left in my heart to hate him.

In other news, I did some repeating last night. Hmmmm...

Inability to self-control

Why is it so hard for me to stay away from La Casa de Dave Thomas?? What is it about his fries, crispy chicken nuggets, and side caesar salads that I can't resist?

Conversely, what is it about the gym that causes me to fall into a deep pit of lethargy at the thought of it?

I need a lifestyle makeover. Starting tomorrow.