Note to Kevin (thought I'd share)

so i finally got out of that place. I finally broke free and am moving on with my life. I thought I'd share this with you since I know that you think about how "something's missing" often. it's incredibly freeing and exciting to follow your dream. but it's also quite scary not being able to cling to the old feelings of longing anymore. i have nothing to complain about anymore. nothing holding me back. scary... i hope that you find it in you sometime soon to put yourself in a position to be as scared as I am right now.

Florida

Finally moved in!!!!



Feeling kinda weird right now... Maybe I need to sleep... esp after last night's romp lol

Seriously annoyed.

Can't stand middle school drama. Arrogant bastards need to be put in their place.

If I wanted you, you'd know it.

Go fuck yourselves.

Just finished watching "Spotlight 25" again on iTunes. For those of you who haven't watched it yet, it is a special that was on Lifetime this year on 25 year old American women. It's awesome!

Anyway, it's making me realize that I need to not treat this last 4 weeks like a free-for-all. I need to start preparing for this new life:

• Yes, I already lost 10 lbs. But I am by no means in shape, I do not have good eating habits. I need to make my health a priority.
• I need to read over more of the cases Stetson sent me. I also need to start reading the news and studying up.
• No more bad men. Game over. I deserve better.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm too smart to be so dumb.

Fourth of July

Wow, can't begin to explain last night. Had an amazing time with Kate and Benny! Also, I very much enjoyed our "post-party" with the house of gay guys haha!! Phenomenal!!!!

Anyway, had a few moments of tears last night thinking about our girl. Nancy texted me at about 10PM to tell me that she will have Bri tomorrow, so I'm welcome to come over. Can't wait to see that little face.

Having a hard day with everything. Can't get all of this 2007 crappyness off of my mind.

I think it's time for me to start seeing things for what they were, rather than what they should have been or could have been. I need to try to make peace with this whole mess and stop struggling against it.

It's time to move on.

I'm just too far from where you are...

I miss Mandy. I'm having such a hard time in this moment. It will pass in a few minutes, as it always does, but right now the pain in my chest is intense and the tears won't stop coming. Just reading her name on the screen is painful. I miss her. I hate this.

I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

Past Boyfriends

Over the last five years I've dated several young men, all falling within the category of "fixer-upper".

Over time, I've been able to look over these relationships and pulled out whatever lessons I could possible learn from them. Most have yielded the same lesson:

STOP DATING FIXER-UPPER TOWNIES AND FIND A MAN WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE WHO HAS SOME AMBITION!!!!

I've berated myself for my poor decision making, but I've just discovered the loop-hole in dating my type:

You won't feel bad about dating a loser if he was REALLY REALLY HOTT!!

Just saw a pic online of a former ex (circa 2003) and I by no means felt bad for having dated his undereducated immature ass because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of "YAR YOU DID!!!"

So ladies, if you are going to date my kind of man, make sure he's fucking hott.

Pardon my lack of literary direction

Not quite sure what I even want to write about at the moment. I don't quite have anxiety right now, I'm not depressed. I'm just kinda ehhh...

How crazy has the last 5 years of my life been? I mean, five years ago I just decided in one instant to change everything. I can remember that moment very clearly. I was laying on my couch, it was a Saturday afternoon. I was laying around thinking about how I wasn't enjoying my life anymore. I knew that all it was going to take was a phone call. And then with that, I picked up the damn phone and ended it. And then everything changed...

I got out of a bad relationship, I stopped caring so much about what other people thought, and I decided that I was going to have as much fun as possible. And man have I had fun. I don't think anyone could have had as much of a thrill as I have over the last few years since high school.

There have been a lot of bumps along the way, but with the support and love of old and new fabulous friends and through my own sense of self and determination to be happy I made it.

Why am I going over the last few years right now? Because I'm finding myself sitting on that same couch, thinking about the same things... I'm about to leave the Cape again for a new life for the second time. I'm taking off for another life-changing adventure. I can't wait.

This time I have a very special guardian angel sitting on my shoulder...

I love you.

Lonely

My problem is becoming more and more evident with each passing day... I'm lonely here. I am completely separated from all of my very close friends (except for one, but she tends to be busy with boys), without the chance of a close connection with anyone. I feel like right now I really just need someone to take me in their arms and hold me. I don't need kissing, I don't need words. I just need to stand still and be held.

I can pretend that I want to be back with this one or in bed with that one, but in reality I just need to get over the bridge and on with my life.

BAD

Working on trying to feel a bit better.

Trying very hard.

I resent you for making things so much harder.

BAD BAD WEEK

Really struggling this week. It seems that no matter what, someone tries to kick me when I'm already down.

Can't wait for Florida :)

Kick me while I'm down

Feeling pretty betrayed and hurt.

A - Z

A - Available: Yes
A - Age: 23
A - Annoyance: bad tippers
B - Best Friend: Mandy, Kate, Lysa, Tess, Misty, Kim, Sara, etc.
B - Beer: Bud Light
B - Birthday: November 11
C - Crush: I got nothing
C - Candy: Peanut M&Ms
D - Day or Night: Night
D - Dream Car: Honda Civic, and I have it already!
D - Dog or Cat: dog
E - Easiest person to talk to: Kate
E - Eggs: scrambled
E - Email: Not as cool as Myspace
F - Favorite Month: July maybe, but August is looking pretty good this year
F - Favorite Color: maybe purple
F - Favorite Memory: Dirty day with the condom and wine bottle with Kate, Mandy, and Jill
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Worms
G - Giver or Taker: I give more, but I need to learn that it's ok to take
G - Gum: Orbit
H - Hair Color: Brown
H - Height: 5'3"
H - Happy: Overall
I - Ice Cream: Vanilla
I - Instrument: Remote Control
I - Idol: my mother
J - Jewelry: Random
J - Job: Perpetual Student
J - Jail: nope
K - Kids: definitely want them soon-ish
K - Kick boxing or Karate: kick boxing
K - Kindergarten: Milton... twice
L - Longest Relationship: 3.4 years
L - Last French Kiss: Sunday morning
M - Milk Flavor: skim only
M - Most Missed Person(s): Mandy
M - Movie Last Watched: Parts of a Harry Potter
N - Number of Siblings: three sisters
N - Number of Tattoos: 1
N - Name: Caitlin Elizabeth Grace Rogers
O - One Wish: to always remember how lucky I am
O - One Phobia: being sterile
O - One Regret: don't really have any
P - Pet Peeves: bad tippers
P - Part of your appearance you like best: Smile
P - Part of your personality you like best: Able to make people laugh
Q - Quick or Slow: quick
R - Reason to Smile: Good memories, good times to come
R - Reality TV Show: Celebrity Fit Club
R - Reasons to Cry: losing and missing Mandy
S - Song Last Heard: Harry Potter Theme
S - Shoes: sneaks and flops
T - Time You Woke up: 9 AM
T - Time Now: 11:17 PM
T - Time for Bed: during the week whenever
U - U Love Someone: lots of people
U - Unpredictable: the future
V - Vegetable You Hate: waxed beans
V - Vegetable You Love: spinach
V - Vacation Spot: Europe
W- Worst Habits?: eating junk food
W- Where are you going to travel next?: moving to Florida
W- Weather right now: chilly
X - X-Rays: ankle
Y - Year you were born: 1983
Y - Year it is now: 2007
Y - Yellow: Hopefully not my teeth
Z - Zoo Animal: tigger
Z - Zodiac: Scorpio

Intellectual Writer's Block

I don't think I've written anything of intelligence in this blog since I started it. I mean, I've released some emotional rants. I've discussed my television obsession. But I haven't written anything regarding intellectually stimulating things, such as politics, world events, religion, blah blah blah

Bet that's what you are thinking, right?

Well, I have a masters degree in marketing analytics. You can by no means be a good marketer without keeping up with the sociological changes in your given market, which includes and is reflected by what is on television, newspapers, radio, magazines, blogs, and various other forms of communication. Without this knowledge, it in impossible to develop an Integrated Marketing Communications program, which any modern company needs in order to compete in today's global and technologically driven marketplace.

So stick that in your undergraduate-degree-only judgmental pipe and smoke it.

Mandy

So let them talk about us
Let them call us funny things
People sometimes do
I dont care as long
As you know I love you
Oh, and you know I do

I'll be there, but you might not see me
It's never easy to get through
But when the laughter dies away
I'll take care of you

Bitch Salad Girl

Ewww that girl in the Kraft salad dressing commercial just got a HUGE diamond engagement ring from her bf over an asian chicken salad. WTF!!!

And I'm still single. grrrr

FAT

Dude, has anyone seen that show on TLC about the fat people's hospital in NYC??? I LOVE IT!!!

Also, just watched "Army Wives". Soooo good. Man oh man, I love tv.

"You turned crazy"

Huh. Interesting text message from the ex. In grown-up-people world we call this "blame-shifting".

I could get angry. I could get outraged. I could get hurt. Instead, I feel as though this has been a great occurence because it has opened my eyes just a little bit more to the blessing that was getting rid of him.

I can't hate him. I pity him too much to have any room left in my heart to hate him.

In other news, I did some repeating last night. Hmmmm...

Inability to self-control

Why is it so hard for me to stay away from La Casa de Dave Thomas?? What is it about his fries, crispy chicken nuggets, and side caesar salads that I can't resist?

Conversely, what is it about the gym that causes me to fall into a deep pit of lethargy at the thought of it?

I need a lifestyle makeover. Starting tomorrow.

Bye Bye Rosie

As most of you all know, Rosie O'Donnell had her last day at the View last Wednesday. She chose not to complete the last 3 weeks left on her contract following a very heated argument on the air with Elizabeth. Boooo!! People can say all they want about Rosie O'Donnell. Granted she is terrible at debating and becomes emotional when trying to argue her points, but she is also a very entertaining person to watch and stimulates conversations that lead to what can only be called "great television". I miss her. The View is boring now.

I take my television entertainment very seriously. I am severely disappointed now. All I can say now is that if Regis were to leave, I might give up morning television all together and just wait until 2PM when the People's Court comes on, followed by Dr. Phil at 3PM and a cross between Oprah and Judge Judy at 4PM.

Perhaps I should have been a house/trophy wife.

Gotta get hotter to be a trophy wife. Damn.

Great Weekend

To continue with the greatness that was this long weekend:

• Yesterday Tess and I spent the day in P-town, went to the Ho for dinner, and then went to the Ho later that night.
• Court told Abe that we performed lude acts on each other the other night. Not true, but the very idea of it excites me!!!
• I gave Abe my number. Weird, yet exciting.
• After days and days of asking me out, Pat Wood, aka Woody, screwed himself over when his GIRLFRIEND called me on his phone. HAHAHA LOSER!
• Got invited to a party Friday night at the boathouse!
• Matthew called today! Which is so weird because I was just talking about him yesterday. He may be coming down this weekend :)

Life is GOOD!!!

Hold the phone

Ok, in my last dramatic post (a few minutes ago) I did forget to pay homage to last night's activities!!!

1. Lysa and I actually HUNG OUT WITH COURT CLAYTON!! We drove him IN HER CAR to a party at some East Orleans locations (doubly cool!!)!!!! We officially rock. However, apparently I will never live down the Summer of 1998. That part is bad.
2. Whoever sent out the notice around town that Caitlin Rogers is interested in all loser townie druggies and that they should take it upon themselves to ask her out relentlessly in the most organic of white trash behavior should be shot. NO I don't want your number NO I don't wanna give you mine NO I don't wanna meet you nowhere NO I don't want none of your time. NO SCRUBS.
3. I made shitloads of money this weekend.
4. Lindsey and Jenny are back for the summer! Yay! However, whoever told me to tell them that I would def want to go out every night this summer should be shot! I am an old lady!
5. "I showed upon them" is not proper English, nor does it make any sense at all. Are you listening, Beagle??
6. WE SHOWED UPON COURT!!! GO LYSIE!!!

I may be bipolar. Perhaps I should bring this up in therapy in 8.5 hours.

Dividing my flies

My therapist says that when something big happens in our lives it amounts to a pile of shit and our feelings are like flies being drawn to the shit. When something bad happens later on in life, we send some of our flies over to that new pile of shit because they are drawn to what they know. She said that Jimmy only deserves a few flies out of my 1,000 total flies.

I've now realized that Jimmy and school were like my Novocaine for losing Mandy. Drugged me up just enough to make the pain bearable. Well, now I've lost both at the same time. Work offers a tiny bit of a numbing effect, temporarily distracting me from this enormous stabbing, but my major sources of morphine have been pulled out of the veins of my life.

And it hurts. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It fucking hurts.

Today I was thinking over all of my failed relationships and I realized one major thing they all had in common: When they were over, I missed being in a relationship more than I missed them. That says a lot. I could substitute James for Jimmy (I need to stop dating people with that name), and it would be the same situation, just another place at another time. Thus, I'm pulling more flies away from this pile of shit and putting them back where they belong: Mandy's pile of shit. And that pile is fucking huge.

Thank God it's Nina day tomorrow again.

So what, so I've got a smile on? It's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head...

I dare anyone to go through what me and my friends have gone through this year and to come out of it as brave as we have.

Grasping to control... So I better hold on

So I've been pretty ok with all the break up shit this week I would say, but right now I can't seem to shake this nagging feeling of disappointment. I guess I'm more so mourning the loss of the security and stability that the relationship offered, rather than mourning the loss of him. I mean, I really miss him as a friend. I miss laughing at him little kid jokes. Hmmm I guess what I loved about him tied in so much to what I didn't like about him. I loved the innocence, and yet I hated the immaturity and lack of desire to work hard for something important.

I guess talking to Renee tonight kinda made me think about this more. She's back with her ex-husband (haha makes me feel old to have a friend with an ex-husband lol) and happy in Hawaii. I guess I was so excited about being happy in a relationship in Florida that I neglected to notice that my boyfriend was unlikely to move out of his parents' house.

But I do miss him. I don't miss the disrespect and lack of consideration for my feelings, but I do miss the daily flutter of butterflies.

So maybe the lack of control is why I've kicked myself into gear with preparing for law school. I got the housing settled, I've packed almost everything away, and I've checked out and read several books regarding the first year in law school.

I guess that's what we studious girls do. We dive right into controlling the only parts of our lives that we can control.

Work Work Work and Letting Go

I've decided that my inability to move on in emotional situations is because of my prior achievements in academia. I am so used to doing well, being the best, achieving every goal on time. The one obvious area of my life in which I have been chronically unable to succeed has been my love life. I suck at relationships. I mean, I can honestly say that in my last relationship I didn't do anything wrong... except pick the wrong guy, which, lets face it, was the worst mistake of all.


If I was dumb and hadn't been a good student all of my life, maybe I would be used to failure, wouldn't care so much, and then would have a good relationships. I mean, it's always those kids who didn't go to college or barely made it out of high school who fall in love and get married...


Can we really not have it all?

Legally Brunette?

Watching Legally Blond and I have a sneaking suspicion that I watched that movie right before I decided that I would apply to law school last summer. If that is true, then two things may be true:

1. I am more obsessed with pop culture and Hollywood than I thought.
2. I owe Reese Witherspoon a great deal of gratitude.

I talked to Justin a lil bit ago on the phone and it was probably one of the saddest conversations of my life. Not that we were saying anything sad, we both just sounded like we were both about to jump off a bridge. Hopefully we won't speak again until we are both either on Valium or drunk.

I'm tired and I have a headache. This is all most likely due to the extremely poor manner in which I treat and care for my body. Time to get myself straightened out.

Also, I think I might get Wendy's tonight lol

Really Nutty Drama Girl

So I graduamacated!!

Went out last night to the HO (of course) and ended up at Ex's brother's house. Apparently he didn't tell anyone about the split, leaving me with the great task of explaining things. Oh well, most people took my side. Maybe I should make some "Team CaitRog" t-shirts like the do in Hollywood. That would be a great way to make the Cape more glamorous. Eww! Anyway, I woke up this morning like "What the hell was I doing last night?" But more in the amused sense, not the "i want to kill myself from embarrassment" way.

Need to work brunch today, then it's gonna be straight back to bed for some R and R. I am officially on summertime now, which means 3 things:

1. Time to relax and work on myself.
2. Time to get myself physically back together.
3. Time to make lots and lots of money so that I can just be a full time student in the fall instead of trying to balance work and school.

Time to work on a whole bunch of stuff that needs to be worked on.

Comments

Have just been made aware that people have been unable to comment on this blog without being a registered user of blogger.com. I have fixed the situation. Comment away ;)

Graduation and Nasty Ass Commercials

Has anyone seen that new Travellers Insurance commercial where scientists reattach lucky rabbit's feet to their "original owners". Ewww! I feel like vomiting (which I should probably do anyway given the fatness of my self).

Anyway, today is graduation day. Again. Not so interested in going, but I am excited for the dinner we're having afterwards with Lysie! Can't wait for good food... oh and to see Lysa.

Definitely feeling off right now, in the emotional sense. I guess I need to work on sorting a few things out. A huge part of me is happy to be detached finally. I need to focus on me right now. After everything that has happened this year, I think I deserve some selfish time.

My guardian angel better kick her ass inter gear up there to help me out. You hear that, Mandz???

Mentally Unstable

So I made a very bad mistake last night. Needless to say, I shouldn't have gone over to his house, but now I know for sure what it would be like the next time we saw each other. For that, I suppose I am grateful.


I just feel so fucking messed up right now. I feel like my life is totally spinning. Actually, I correct myself: My life is moving along perfectly, I'm just spinning around within my own life. My life is moving along without my permission.


It seems that every night recently Mandy is in my dreams. Every time, I look at her and I'm like "but you're dead" and then she's like "not right now" and then I'm like "OK" and we keep talking. Totally wacked out. Part of me hates it, because then I wake up every morning with the re-realization that she's not here anymore. But part of my waits for it every evening, needing so badly to be able to talk to her right now.


How is it possible that something like this could happen? I mean, it's been almost 4 months, but I still can't seem to grasp how this happened, why this happened. I hate being here because of it. Now that school is over and Jimmy is gone, it's like I'm stuck having to face the terror of what has happened to me face-on.


I need to get out of here. Soon. My sanity is slowly creeping away from me. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Whatever connection I felt with being home is totally severed. I hate it here.

Therapy

Saw Nina today. She basically said that i'm fooling myself into thinking that i care this much about this. Yes, it's awful that he was an asshole and that I cared so much about him and that it's over, but there must be something else that i'm more upset about that i'm pushing onto this. I think it's obvious. I've used this relationship as a means of not having to deal with all the emotions associated with losing mandy

After today i decided that i can't stay connected with him, even if i am affraid for him. so i sent him this text:

"Wish we could have some closure. Good luck with everything. If you ever need anything or want to talk or change your future plans, call me. 143"

Closure.

Official Apology

I just realized that almost all of my posts have been about a guy. I would like to apologize for allowing myself to become all that I frown upon. I promise to resume life as a confident, intelligent, motivated, and interesting woman effective immediately.


Thank you for you time.

Thank God it's Therapy Day!

So i called because we've been doing ridiculous text messaging. I was just like "what's your deal? it's either over or it's not." and he went on to tell me that he's having depression problems, has been dipping into drugs again, and doesn't care to do anything more with his life than he's already doing because he's planning to die young.

This is definitely not good for my issue with "find the fixer upper man". EWWWW!!!

All I can day is that I've never been so happy for Therapy Day in my life. Nina is going to have a field day with this one.

I'm vowing to never date any of the following again:

• Emotional Fuckwits
• Those lacking a college degree.
• Mama's Boys
• Those who still live with their Mama even though they are already halfway done with their 20s.
• Drug-doers
• Those who do not have a license.
• Those with no life goals or desire for self-improvement.
• Those who have a shorty but don't show luv.

I think I need to update my "The Secret" Life List.

Monday Monday

So Asshole called this morning and I didn't pick up. Then he texted me "just found my phone in the woods. call me."

I simply wrote back: "I'm done." And I am.

DONE DONE DONE!!! EWWWWW!!! GRRRRR!!!!!

I can't possibly fathom how someone could have such an acute case of tunnel vision coupled with mental/emotional retardation. He is a menace to my society and I'm excommunicating him.

As much as right now I'm feeling weak and want a nice cuddle, I have to remind myself that he never liked to cuddle, therefore he is 100% useless.

I will be single and I WILL love it.

End of Story

Talked to him at 8:33 PM and he said he'd call back in a little bit.

Almost an hour later.

I'm the biggest fool in the world for giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Mothers Day

So it's Mothers Day. Kinda sad. So much build up about this day this time last year... My heart aches for what Bri will miss... It's just a blessing that she has so many people who love her and will help Mandy's memory thrive...

Anyway, I worked, made good money. Then I went to dinner with Mom, Aunt Noreen, Alana and Alec. It was great, except I have little tollerance for some character traits. Oh well...

Now I'm sitting around waiting for the EX to call. We talked yesterday briefly and decided that tonight we would meet up so that I can get my stuff back. Surprise Surprise, he still hasn't called me back yet (he supposedly went fishing). I'm tired of all of this, not in the angry frustrated way, but in the genuinely needing this to be over and done with way. I'll give him until 9:30 PM.

I was thinking in my head, "this is his last chance", but that's simply not true. He ran out of chances a while ago. It's over, as sad as it may be. I just honestly hope that someday he'll be able to get his act together for himself.

Ghost...

there's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams

and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown

and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost

and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
but i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost

unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spiritbut i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me

now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels

this bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost

Last Two Days

So today is my last full day back on the Bentley campus. For my friends who left last year for good, they may not realize how much longer 5 years can feel compared to 4. I feel like I've been here forever, which I actually sorta have. I have my last exam at 5 PM for Aylesworth's IMC course, which actually looks like it's going to be really easy (knock on wood). I got here at noon thinking I would have to study all day, but it only took like an hour. Part of me feels like I might be missing something, while the other part doesn't really care.

I'm in the process of backing up alllllll of my work from my collegiate past onto my new flash drive (on-sale at Staples whoooohoooo), which is taking forever.

Oh well. After the exam I get to head to Misty and Epps' for a bbq!!! YAY!!!!

GO BENTLEY!!!


HELLO STETSON!!!

What goes around...?

So it's only been about 29 hours and yet he's already texted 3 times.

Text #1 (2:20PM): "Stop writing shit."
I would assume he was referring to myspace, so I removed the evilness.

However, I replied: "I'm not sure what you are referring to, but you have a lot of nerve telling me to do anything given how terribly you've treated me. Leave me alone."

Text#2 (8:34PM): "We need to meet up and talk at some point."

Text#3 (8:36PM): "And could u take that off your my space please."

First of all, it's MYSPACE, ONE WORD. Sacrilegious.

Second of all, obviously he never saw what I wrote, otherwise he would know already that I had removed the evil bitterness. Retard.

Response to Texts #2 and 3 (not until almost 11PM, as I was very busy watching British movies with my Mother):
"I don't need to talk to you. You had your chance to talk. Haven't you hurt me enough?"

I added that last sentence to remind him that he is by no means a victim in this situation. It seems to have escaped his memory that he has been the one consistently fucking up our relationship since weekend #1. This fact does make me seem awfully stupid for putting up with it, but the fact still remains that he is the fuck up.

Honestly, this only furthers the notion that men are tunnel-vision freaks who should be whipped but enormous dildos.

PS I will NOT remove TLC's "No Scrubs" as my myspace song. I need to be reminded of how much I've learned from my 5 month stay in Whitetrashville.

Letter from the Past

Just found this while cleaning...

Hey Sweetie...
This is just a little something to try to make sure you know that I love you more than you'll probably ever know. No matter how hard things are for you right now, or in the future, know that I will always be here for you. The weirdness and security of our friendship does not need to be restated, for it has made itself obvious in the past, and silently we both know it will always be there in the future. Through it all you've been the best of the best, and I hope I have kept up. You know that I feel like I should be in your shoes right now... but I know that I could never be as strong as you are. Just know that whenever you can't do it all that I am never more than a phone call away for someone to lean on. Everything will always be alright., I promise you that. I love you with all my heart.
XO Mandy

Last Word for Cait

"I have no respect for you. You treated me like shit and didn't even have enough respect for me to end it to my face. You will never lay a hand on me again. I'm done."


His only response? "BITCH"

I think I won! :)

Mid-week blah blah blah

So school is almost over. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's almost game over for Bentley. Relief!!

Boyfriend seems to be concerned about this "break". He's texted me about every day. Today it was "Hi" at 6PM. I texted back "in class" and never got back to him. What about SUNDAY does he not understand?? Just not sure if this is what I want anymore. I mean, I know that I would LOVE if he would get himself together enough for us to be together. But what I hope he is and what he actually is are two different things. Just not sure if he could change... I certainly know that I can't change him. He has to change for and by himself. But will he?

Wish I had all the answers. I'll be ok either way. Just hate to let this go...

Moving forward? Or standing still and waiting?

So, after working a very good lunch (waitress!), I came home to a text message from Boyfriend that said "What's Up?" He's got to be kidding. So I called him. After the 5th call, he actually answered and pretty much had nothing to say for himself. Then when I told him that I can't do this anymore, he pulled his classic, "I just don't know what I want anymore." He always does this. I wonder if it is just an attempt to protect himself from feeling dumped or replaceable. Not really sure. Hmmm...


So he just kept saying "I don't know" to everything I asked, which I thought was completely disrespectful and showed a lack of balls, but I took some deep breaths. Finally I told him that perhaps he should take some time to figure out what he wants, but not to call me until he does have it figured out. I'm not gonna play house with someone who is deciding whether or not he even wants me in his life. I told him that he should think hard about what he wants, but until he makes that decision, I just can't be with him right now.


Honestly, I think a lot of this has to do with moving. I think he's scared shitless at the idea of having to leave the Cape. I think parts of him knows that it's the best thing he could do, but he has absolutely no confidence in himself and he does realize his own potential. The sad part is that I do see the potential in him.


Anyway, I guess I'm single at the moment, although not sure yet if it's a permanent or temporary situation. We shall see.


Taking a break from it all tomorrow and making a much needed visit to K-Nolan's house :)

Really Bad Day

So Boyfriend and I are pretty much officially over. I told him last time he decided to ignore me that if he ever blocked me out for days again, I would take it as him dumping me. Well, he's done it again and I'm definitely not taking it another time. Game over. He can go fuck himself. I feel like such a fool for loving him, being there for him, dreaming up a life with him...


Also, I found out today that for the last month my mother has been waiting to her from her doctor if the lump on her breast was cancer. Thankfully, it's not. I just can't wrap my mind around this situation. She didn't tell me a thing, and then she just sprung it on me in the kitchen this afternoon while I was getting ready for work.


Really bad day. Really really bad day.

Parenting: Yay or Yuck?

Since middle school, I carried out the feminist attitude towards raising a family: get the career first, then the husband, then the kids. I've insisted to all those who would listen that getting married before the age of 28 is stupid and having kids before 30 is just plain insane.Now that I'm 23, however, my thoughts on this manner seem to be shifting.

Having found Boyfriend, marriage, although definitely not in the immediate future, doesn't seem like an eternity away anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of idiot to run down the aisle after only knowing the guy for a few months, nor would I ever marry someone without having lived with him first. But waiting 5 years does seem kinda long. I dunno, maybe it won't seem that long at all.

More importantly, my ideas of having kids have definitely changed. I'm going to law school, which will be very time consuming. I assume that the years after law school will involve long workdays. Somehow I can't help but feel that having kids before I turn 30 will still be manageable. I guess I just don't want to spend all of my 50s with kids still living in my house. I might want to try to have kids while I'm still young enough to have the energy to deal with them.

I suppose a huge reason why my attitude has changed is because of Mandy. She had Brianna in October when she was 22. Granted, Mandy was the hardest working person in the entire world and could juggle more balls than anyone ever, but at least she was young enough to manage it all. Losing her at the age of 23 makes me realize how short life can really be. Am I willing to wait at least 7 more years before I get to have my turn?

I guess this is all kind of silly. I mean, I'm not married. I'm not even engaged. I'm not even close to being engaged. I'm not the type of girl to baby-trap a guy, so I suppose I'll have to wait, regardless of how much planning and calculating I try to do.

Television is Crap for Today's Kids

When I think back on my youth, I have warm memories of TGIF and Disney Afternoon. When my sisters and I woke up in the morning, we dressed quickly so that we could make it downstairs in time to watch Small Wonder and Adventures in Wonderland. After school when all of our homework was done and we had exhausted ourselves playing in the backyard, we relaxed with some Fruit-by-the-Foot to watch Tale Spin, Gummy Bears, Darkwin Duck, Ducktales, and Punky Brewster. On Friday nights, my dad would take us down the street to Tedeschis to pick one special candy bar each that we could eat during TGIF when we lost ourselves in awesome shows like Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, Sister Sister, Hanging with Mr. Cooper, and Boy Meets World.


I'm currently babysitting my little cousins and I'm finding myself feeling bad for them because they have none of the awesome shows that we have. They either have some creepy shows on Nick, like Blues Clues, or they watch the heinous creations that Disney has come up with over the last few years, like Hannah Montana and That's So Raven. ICK!!! They barely even ever watched Sesame Street, to which I attribute much of my academic and social successes, favoring instead the mentally challenged Teletubbies.


No wonder they are all ADD-infested, anti-social, spoiled rodents.


With the exception of my cousins, but their sanity can be attributed to their bloodline.

Do simple relationships exist?

Lately, I've found myself pondering this question and I can't seem to find a single example of a "simple" relationship in my own life at all. Sure, I have several what I would call "low maintenance" relationships, but no simple relationships. For example, my friend Kate and I have a very low maintenance relationship. We don't have to call each other everyday, nor do we feel like we have to check in all the time to make sure that we are "all good"; rather, we just pick up the phone to talk when we feel the need, which tends to be several times per week. However, especially given the recent loss of a mutually very close and important friend, I have come to realize that my relationship with Kate is by no means simple. There are many complexities and quirks to our friendship that I can't always seem to put words to.


I guess my main reason for posing this question is out of frustration with my current, and hopefully last, boyfriend. Now, for some reason he seems to think that he's Justin Timberlake or something and is adament about not having me publish his name on the internet. Thus, the artist formerly knows as &^%%* will now be known solely as Boyfriend. Anyway, Boyfriend seems to have a complete inability for making my life easy or simple. Yes, he makes me happy, but not on purpose. His constant state of tunnel vision is making me completely crazy. Here I am, after years of being single, finally feeling like I have control over my issues with men, and then the universe hands me this guy.


I suppose I'm making him out to seem like God's curse upon the single girl, so I should probably clarify a few things. Boyfriend is probably one of the most honest, good-natured person I know. He says exactly what's on his mind, so there's no confusion about what he's thinking at a given time (although some things he should learn to keep to himself. I don't need to know about his gas problems.) However, I feel like there's an endless amount of noise and confusion in our relationship, which is totally his fault. I feel like he makes me be mad at him. And it's sooooo hard to be mad at him most of the time because he just seems so relationship retarded that you can't help but feel sorry for the kid. Which is even more infuriating.Tonight he really seemed to understand his crappyness a bit more than ever. But still, I feel like I may puke and die if he does not get his shit together.