My therapist says that when something big happens in our lives it amounts to a pile of shit and our feelings are like flies being drawn to the shit. When something bad happens later on in life, we send some of our flies over to that new pile of shit because they are drawn to what they know. She said that Jimmy only deserves a few flies out of my 1,000 total flies.
I've now realized that Jimmy and school were like my Novocaine for losing Mandy. Drugged me up just enough to make the pain bearable. Well, now I've lost both at the same time. Work offers a tiny bit of a numbing effect, temporarily distracting me from this enormous stabbing, but my major sources of morphine have been pulled out of the veins of my life.
And it hurts. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It fucking hurts.
Today I was thinking over all of my failed relationships and I realized one major thing they all had in common: When they were over, I missed being in a relationship more than I missed them. That says a lot. I could substitute James for Jimmy (I need to stop dating people with that name), and it would be the same situation, just another place at another time. Thus, I'm pulling more flies away from this pile of shit and putting them back where they belong: Mandy's pile of shit. And that pile is fucking huge.
Thank God it's Nina day tomorrow again.
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