Mentally Unstable

So I made a very bad mistake last night. Needless to say, I shouldn't have gone over to his house, but now I know for sure what it would be like the next time we saw each other. For that, I suppose I am grateful.


I just feel so fucking messed up right now. I feel like my life is totally spinning. Actually, I correct myself: My life is moving along perfectly, I'm just spinning around within my own life. My life is moving along without my permission.


It seems that every night recently Mandy is in my dreams. Every time, I look at her and I'm like "but you're dead" and then she's like "not right now" and then I'm like "OK" and we keep talking. Totally wacked out. Part of me hates it, because then I wake up every morning with the re-realization that she's not here anymore. But part of my waits for it every evening, needing so badly to be able to talk to her right now.


How is it possible that something like this could happen? I mean, it's been almost 4 months, but I still can't seem to grasp how this happened, why this happened. I hate being here because of it. Now that school is over and Jimmy is gone, it's like I'm stuck having to face the terror of what has happened to me face-on.


I need to get out of here. Soon. My sanity is slowly creeping away from me. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Whatever connection I felt with being home is totally severed. I hate it here.