Bye Bye Rosie

As most of you all know, Rosie O'Donnell had her last day at the View last Wednesday. She chose not to complete the last 3 weeks left on her contract following a very heated argument on the air with Elizabeth. Boooo!! People can say all they want about Rosie O'Donnell. Granted she is terrible at debating and becomes emotional when trying to argue her points, but she is also a very entertaining person to watch and stimulates conversations that lead to what can only be called "great television". I miss her. The View is boring now.

I take my television entertainment very seriously. I am severely disappointed now. All I can say now is that if Regis were to leave, I might give up morning television all together and just wait until 2PM when the People's Court comes on, followed by Dr. Phil at 3PM and a cross between Oprah and Judge Judy at 4PM.

Perhaps I should have been a house/trophy wife.

Gotta get hotter to be a trophy wife. Damn.

Great Weekend

To continue with the greatness that was this long weekend:

• Yesterday Tess and I spent the day in P-town, went to the Ho for dinner, and then went to the Ho later that night.
• Court told Abe that we performed lude acts on each other the other night. Not true, but the very idea of it excites me!!!
• I gave Abe my number. Weird, yet exciting.
• After days and days of asking me out, Pat Wood, aka Woody, screwed himself over when his GIRLFRIEND called me on his phone. HAHAHA LOSER!
• Got invited to a party Friday night at the boathouse!
• Matthew called today! Which is so weird because I was just talking about him yesterday. He may be coming down this weekend :)

Life is GOOD!!!

Hold the phone

Ok, in my last dramatic post (a few minutes ago) I did forget to pay homage to last night's activities!!!

1. Lysa and I actually HUNG OUT WITH COURT CLAYTON!! We drove him IN HER CAR to a party at some East Orleans locations (doubly cool!!)!!!! We officially rock. However, apparently I will never live down the Summer of 1998. That part is bad.
2. Whoever sent out the notice around town that Caitlin Rogers is interested in all loser townie druggies and that they should take it upon themselves to ask her out relentlessly in the most organic of white trash behavior should be shot. NO I don't want your number NO I don't wanna give you mine NO I don't wanna meet you nowhere NO I don't want none of your time. NO SCRUBS.
3. I made shitloads of money this weekend.
4. Lindsey and Jenny are back for the summer! Yay! However, whoever told me to tell them that I would def want to go out every night this summer should be shot! I am an old lady!
5. "I showed upon them" is not proper English, nor does it make any sense at all. Are you listening, Beagle??
6. WE SHOWED UPON COURT!!! GO LYSIE!!!

I may be bipolar. Perhaps I should bring this up in therapy in 8.5 hours.

Dividing my flies

My therapist says that when something big happens in our lives it amounts to a pile of shit and our feelings are like flies being drawn to the shit. When something bad happens later on in life, we send some of our flies over to that new pile of shit because they are drawn to what they know. She said that Jimmy only deserves a few flies out of my 1,000 total flies.

I've now realized that Jimmy and school were like my Novocaine for losing Mandy. Drugged me up just enough to make the pain bearable. Well, now I've lost both at the same time. Work offers a tiny bit of a numbing effect, temporarily distracting me from this enormous stabbing, but my major sources of morphine have been pulled out of the veins of my life.

And it hurts. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It fucking hurts.

Today I was thinking over all of my failed relationships and I realized one major thing they all had in common: When they were over, I missed being in a relationship more than I missed them. That says a lot. I could substitute James for Jimmy (I need to stop dating people with that name), and it would be the same situation, just another place at another time. Thus, I'm pulling more flies away from this pile of shit and putting them back where they belong: Mandy's pile of shit. And that pile is fucking huge.

Thank God it's Nina day tomorrow again.

So what, so I've got a smile on? It's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head...

I dare anyone to go through what me and my friends have gone through this year and to come out of it as brave as we have.

Grasping to control... So I better hold on

So I've been pretty ok with all the break up shit this week I would say, but right now I can't seem to shake this nagging feeling of disappointment. I guess I'm more so mourning the loss of the security and stability that the relationship offered, rather than mourning the loss of him. I mean, I really miss him as a friend. I miss laughing at him little kid jokes. Hmmm I guess what I loved about him tied in so much to what I didn't like about him. I loved the innocence, and yet I hated the immaturity and lack of desire to work hard for something important.

I guess talking to Renee tonight kinda made me think about this more. She's back with her ex-husband (haha makes me feel old to have a friend with an ex-husband lol) and happy in Hawaii. I guess I was so excited about being happy in a relationship in Florida that I neglected to notice that my boyfriend was unlikely to move out of his parents' house.

But I do miss him. I don't miss the disrespect and lack of consideration for my feelings, but I do miss the daily flutter of butterflies.

So maybe the lack of control is why I've kicked myself into gear with preparing for law school. I got the housing settled, I've packed almost everything away, and I've checked out and read several books regarding the first year in law school.

I guess that's what we studious girls do. We dive right into controlling the only parts of our lives that we can control.

Work Work Work and Letting Go

I've decided that my inability to move on in emotional situations is because of my prior achievements in academia. I am so used to doing well, being the best, achieving every goal on time. The one obvious area of my life in which I have been chronically unable to succeed has been my love life. I suck at relationships. I mean, I can honestly say that in my last relationship I didn't do anything wrong... except pick the wrong guy, which, lets face it, was the worst mistake of all.


If I was dumb and hadn't been a good student all of my life, maybe I would be used to failure, wouldn't care so much, and then would have a good relationships. I mean, it's always those kids who didn't go to college or barely made it out of high school who fall in love and get married...


Can we really not have it all?

Legally Brunette?

Watching Legally Blond and I have a sneaking suspicion that I watched that movie right before I decided that I would apply to law school last summer. If that is true, then two things may be true:

1. I am more obsessed with pop culture and Hollywood than I thought.
2. I owe Reese Witherspoon a great deal of gratitude.

I talked to Justin a lil bit ago on the phone and it was probably one of the saddest conversations of my life. Not that we were saying anything sad, we both just sounded like we were both about to jump off a bridge. Hopefully we won't speak again until we are both either on Valium or drunk.

I'm tired and I have a headache. This is all most likely due to the extremely poor manner in which I treat and care for my body. Time to get myself straightened out.

Also, I think I might get Wendy's tonight lol

Really Nutty Drama Girl

So I graduamacated!!

Went out last night to the HO (of course) and ended up at Ex's brother's house. Apparently he didn't tell anyone about the split, leaving me with the great task of explaining things. Oh well, most people took my side. Maybe I should make some "Team CaitRog" t-shirts like the do in Hollywood. That would be a great way to make the Cape more glamorous. Eww! Anyway, I woke up this morning like "What the hell was I doing last night?" But more in the amused sense, not the "i want to kill myself from embarrassment" way.

Need to work brunch today, then it's gonna be straight back to bed for some R and R. I am officially on summertime now, which means 3 things:

1. Time to relax and work on myself.
2. Time to get myself physically back together.
3. Time to make lots and lots of money so that I can just be a full time student in the fall instead of trying to balance work and school.

Time to work on a whole bunch of stuff that needs to be worked on.

Comments

Have just been made aware that people have been unable to comment on this blog without being a registered user of blogger.com. I have fixed the situation. Comment away ;)

Graduation and Nasty Ass Commercials

Has anyone seen that new Travellers Insurance commercial where scientists reattach lucky rabbit's feet to their "original owners". Ewww! I feel like vomiting (which I should probably do anyway given the fatness of my self).

Anyway, today is graduation day. Again. Not so interested in going, but I am excited for the dinner we're having afterwards with Lysie! Can't wait for good food... oh and to see Lysa.

Definitely feeling off right now, in the emotional sense. I guess I need to work on sorting a few things out. A huge part of me is happy to be detached finally. I need to focus on me right now. After everything that has happened this year, I think I deserve some selfish time.

My guardian angel better kick her ass inter gear up there to help me out. You hear that, Mandz???

Mentally Unstable

So I made a very bad mistake last night. Needless to say, I shouldn't have gone over to his house, but now I know for sure what it would be like the next time we saw each other. For that, I suppose I am grateful.


I just feel so fucking messed up right now. I feel like my life is totally spinning. Actually, I correct myself: My life is moving along perfectly, I'm just spinning around within my own life. My life is moving along without my permission.


It seems that every night recently Mandy is in my dreams. Every time, I look at her and I'm like "but you're dead" and then she's like "not right now" and then I'm like "OK" and we keep talking. Totally wacked out. Part of me hates it, because then I wake up every morning with the re-realization that she's not here anymore. But part of my waits for it every evening, needing so badly to be able to talk to her right now.


How is it possible that something like this could happen? I mean, it's been almost 4 months, but I still can't seem to grasp how this happened, why this happened. I hate being here because of it. Now that school is over and Jimmy is gone, it's like I'm stuck having to face the terror of what has happened to me face-on.


I need to get out of here. Soon. My sanity is slowly creeping away from me. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Whatever connection I felt with being home is totally severed. I hate it here.

Therapy

Saw Nina today. She basically said that i'm fooling myself into thinking that i care this much about this. Yes, it's awful that he was an asshole and that I cared so much about him and that it's over, but there must be something else that i'm more upset about that i'm pushing onto this. I think it's obvious. I've used this relationship as a means of not having to deal with all the emotions associated with losing mandy

After today i decided that i can't stay connected with him, even if i am affraid for him. so i sent him this text:

"Wish we could have some closure. Good luck with everything. If you ever need anything or want to talk or change your future plans, call me. 143"

Closure.

Official Apology

I just realized that almost all of my posts have been about a guy. I would like to apologize for allowing myself to become all that I frown upon. I promise to resume life as a confident, intelligent, motivated, and interesting woman effective immediately.


Thank you for you time.

Thank God it's Therapy Day!

So i called because we've been doing ridiculous text messaging. I was just like "what's your deal? it's either over or it's not." and he went on to tell me that he's having depression problems, has been dipping into drugs again, and doesn't care to do anything more with his life than he's already doing because he's planning to die young.

This is definitely not good for my issue with "find the fixer upper man". EWWWW!!!

All I can day is that I've never been so happy for Therapy Day in my life. Nina is going to have a field day with this one.

I'm vowing to never date any of the following again:

• Emotional Fuckwits
• Those lacking a college degree.
• Mama's Boys
• Those who still live with their Mama even though they are already halfway done with their 20s.
• Drug-doers
• Those who do not have a license.
• Those with no life goals or desire for self-improvement.
• Those who have a shorty but don't show luv.

I think I need to update my "The Secret" Life List.

Monday Monday

So Asshole called this morning and I didn't pick up. Then he texted me "just found my phone in the woods. call me."

I simply wrote back: "I'm done." And I am.

DONE DONE DONE!!! EWWWWW!!! GRRRRR!!!!!

I can't possibly fathom how someone could have such an acute case of tunnel vision coupled with mental/emotional retardation. He is a menace to my society and I'm excommunicating him.

As much as right now I'm feeling weak and want a nice cuddle, I have to remind myself that he never liked to cuddle, therefore he is 100% useless.

I will be single and I WILL love it.

End of Story

Talked to him at 8:33 PM and he said he'd call back in a little bit.

Almost an hour later.

I'm the biggest fool in the world for giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Mothers Day

So it's Mothers Day. Kinda sad. So much build up about this day this time last year... My heart aches for what Bri will miss... It's just a blessing that she has so many people who love her and will help Mandy's memory thrive...

Anyway, I worked, made good money. Then I went to dinner with Mom, Aunt Noreen, Alana and Alec. It was great, except I have little tollerance for some character traits. Oh well...

Now I'm sitting around waiting for the EX to call. We talked yesterday briefly and decided that tonight we would meet up so that I can get my stuff back. Surprise Surprise, he still hasn't called me back yet (he supposedly went fishing). I'm tired of all of this, not in the angry frustrated way, but in the genuinely needing this to be over and done with way. I'll give him until 9:30 PM.

I was thinking in my head, "this is his last chance", but that's simply not true. He ran out of chances a while ago. It's over, as sad as it may be. I just honestly hope that someday he'll be able to get his act together for himself.

Ghost...

there's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams

and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown

and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost

and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
but i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost

unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spiritbut i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me

now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels

this bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost

Last Two Days

So today is my last full day back on the Bentley campus. For my friends who left last year for good, they may not realize how much longer 5 years can feel compared to 4. I feel like I've been here forever, which I actually sorta have. I have my last exam at 5 PM for Aylesworth's IMC course, which actually looks like it's going to be really easy (knock on wood). I got here at noon thinking I would have to study all day, but it only took like an hour. Part of me feels like I might be missing something, while the other part doesn't really care.

I'm in the process of backing up alllllll of my work from my collegiate past onto my new flash drive (on-sale at Staples whoooohoooo), which is taking forever.

Oh well. After the exam I get to head to Misty and Epps' for a bbq!!! YAY!!!!

GO BENTLEY!!!


HELLO STETSON!!!

What goes around...?

So it's only been about 29 hours and yet he's already texted 3 times.

Text #1 (2:20PM): "Stop writing shit."
I would assume he was referring to myspace, so I removed the evilness.

However, I replied: "I'm not sure what you are referring to, but you have a lot of nerve telling me to do anything given how terribly you've treated me. Leave me alone."

Text#2 (8:34PM): "We need to meet up and talk at some point."

Text#3 (8:36PM): "And could u take that off your my space please."

First of all, it's MYSPACE, ONE WORD. Sacrilegious.

Second of all, obviously he never saw what I wrote, otherwise he would know already that I had removed the evil bitterness. Retard.

Response to Texts #2 and 3 (not until almost 11PM, as I was very busy watching British movies with my Mother):
"I don't need to talk to you. You had your chance to talk. Haven't you hurt me enough?"

I added that last sentence to remind him that he is by no means a victim in this situation. It seems to have escaped his memory that he has been the one consistently fucking up our relationship since weekend #1. This fact does make me seem awfully stupid for putting up with it, but the fact still remains that he is the fuck up.

Honestly, this only furthers the notion that men are tunnel-vision freaks who should be whipped but enormous dildos.

PS I will NOT remove TLC's "No Scrubs" as my myspace song. I need to be reminded of how much I've learned from my 5 month stay in Whitetrashville.

Letter from the Past

Just found this while cleaning...

Hey Sweetie...
This is just a little something to try to make sure you know that I love you more than you'll probably ever know. No matter how hard things are for you right now, or in the future, know that I will always be here for you. The weirdness and security of our friendship does not need to be restated, for it has made itself obvious in the past, and silently we both know it will always be there in the future. Through it all you've been the best of the best, and I hope I have kept up. You know that I feel like I should be in your shoes right now... but I know that I could never be as strong as you are. Just know that whenever you can't do it all that I am never more than a phone call away for someone to lean on. Everything will always be alright., I promise you that. I love you with all my heart.
XO Mandy

Last Word for Cait

"I have no respect for you. You treated me like shit and didn't even have enough respect for me to end it to my face. You will never lay a hand on me again. I'm done."


His only response? "BITCH"

I think I won! :)

Mid-week blah blah blah

So school is almost over. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's almost game over for Bentley. Relief!!

Boyfriend seems to be concerned about this "break". He's texted me about every day. Today it was "Hi" at 6PM. I texted back "in class" and never got back to him. What about SUNDAY does he not understand?? Just not sure if this is what I want anymore. I mean, I know that I would LOVE if he would get himself together enough for us to be together. But what I hope he is and what he actually is are two different things. Just not sure if he could change... I certainly know that I can't change him. He has to change for and by himself. But will he?

Wish I had all the answers. I'll be ok either way. Just hate to let this go...